Name Game--to change or not to change

I have been married to Scott for 17 years this June.  I did not take his last name.

My last name is no walk in the park--three syllables, constant issues on where to put the emphasis, Evil Knievel jokes, Cape Canaveral jokes... (Ha, ha, you're so funny I forgot to laugh.)  But people still seems to pronounce his two syllable name wrong so it's not like I was upgrading to something easier like Smith.  Also, I wouldn't be moving up in the alphabet since he's an H and I'm a K.

His family wasn't all that nice to me either at the beginning, though they have gotten better, but I didn't want to condone their treatment of me by becoming one of them.  I know this worsened their opinion of me but at least I wasn't one of them. 

As far as I know, my last name has no real historical significance other than a hand surgeon having a technique named after him.  My father was a terrible father and husband and not that great of a person either but I guess he learned that from his father.  Keeping my last name certainly isn't because I am perpetuating greatness.

My husband's last name is unusual on the west coast but more common in his home state and in Hungary it's like Smith or Johnson.  There was even a Heisman trophy winner in the 40's with his last name but they're not related--though college football buffs recognize the name and ask if he is.  The only standout historical things about my husband's family is that his grandfather ran moonshine and threw a priest out of a screen door after the priest. 

When we got married I didn't really want to change my name.  Taking my husband's last name seemed like becoming a new person that no one knew, least of all me.  In all the marriages in my family the wife had changed her name and then either divorced or lived unhappily ever after (one of my aunts divorced twice and married for a third time, with the unhappily ever after, and changed her name every time).  I asked my husband if he'd change his last name to mine and he said no, which I anticipated and didn't hurt my feelings, but also helped solidify my decision of keeping my name. 

The only time it becomes an issue is when we get mail or are addressed collectively.  Scott's mom now just addresses things to us as "Scott and Polly" but Scott's dad insists that my last name is Scott's and it pisses me off so much.  After 17 years he still doesn't get it and doesn't care to get my name right.  I have asked Scott to speak to him many times about this, and he has a few times, but his dad continues.  His dad has the ability to be accidentally rude and thoughtless and mean, apologize for it, and do it all over again.

Then, because other family members go to his dad for our mailing address, we get more mail addressed incorrectly.  When you address a letter to Mr. & Mrs. John Smith the man gets his first and last name listed while his wife and her identity is reduced to "Mrs." and I know that's proper etiquette, it also seems chauvinistic.  You take a woman, her life, her identity, her triumphs and accomplishments, her entire being and distill it down to "Mrs." and it just seems wrong!

When I respond to wedding invitations from Scott's family I make sure to write his full name and my full name so they understand we have different last names.  It may be passive aggressive, but being upfront and saying I didn't change my name hasn't worked either so I don't know what do anymore.

At my husband's work some people like to address us together when they see us with the pluralization of Scott's last name ("hey there Johnsons*" *name has been changed).  Most of them just don't know any better.  One of the interns knew my last name was different but didn't know what it was so he just called me Mrs. Scott, which I thought was cute.  When Scott RSVP's for anything at work he always makes sure to include my first and last name, which I appreciate. 

There was an incident at a tournament a few years that I caught a couple days before attending where my credential badge was listed as my first name and Scott's last name.  I called the tournament office and told them and since they were checking ID's against the badges they probably wouldn't have given me my badge so it was a good thing that I called. 

I understand why a woman would change her last name to her husband's, or vice versa, especially if they have children.  It does make it easier and makes the family seems more like a unit.  We're never going to have children so we don't have to worry about things like that. 

Scott and I are just Scott and I; no last names, just us two and our pets, strolling through life together, holding hands as always.